Post by Odysseus on Apr 20, 2024 2:56:41 GMT
Farts Are the Most Appropriate Soundtrack For This Moment in American History, Frankly
Friday, April 19th, 2024
My dearest friends, I must regretfully inform you I have been rendered obsolete. Not by AI, but by all too naturally occurring anti-intelligence. I don’t say this lightly, but I believe we may have just endured the single dumbest week in human history.
You know you’re livin’ through some stuff when you wake up to headlines like “Israel carries out strike on Iran and Taylor Swift drops secret double album” and you can’t help but wonder what the third thing’s gonna be, you’d believe anything from kaiju attacks to two-for-one Häagen Dazs pints but I swear to god I was in the middle of writing this paragraph when some unwell gentleman set himself ablaze outside Off-Brand Orbán’s latest trial. (For…rape? Fraud? Attempted insurrection? Ya need a scorecard I tell ya!)
...
I’m grateful Donald Trump didn’t sleep-fart on me today, partially because at his age and given the cocktail of miscooked beef, cheap bronzer, and Adderall that passes through his body, those emissions are surely deadlier than anything deployed during the First World War, but mostly because I’d be in that courtroom, and therefore the crosshairs of the MAGA murder mob. Basically the shittiest Scylla/Charybdis scenario since the original. A.k.a. jury duty. ...
You know you’re livin’ through some stuff when you wake up to headlines like “Israel carries out strike on Iran and Taylor Swift drops secret double album” and you can’t help but wonder what the third thing’s gonna be, you’d believe anything from kaiju attacks to two-for-one Häagen Dazs pints but I swear to god I was in the middle of writing this paragraph when some unwell gentleman set himself ablaze outside Off-Brand Orbán’s latest trial. (For…rape? Fraud? Attempted insurrection? Ya need a scorecard I tell ya!)
...
I’m grateful Donald Trump didn’t sleep-fart on me today, partially because at his age and given the cocktail of miscooked beef, cheap bronzer, and Adderall that passes through his body, those emissions are surely deadlier than anything deployed during the First World War, but mostly because I’d be in that courtroom, and therefore the crosshairs of the MAGA murder mob. Basically the shittiest Scylla/Charybdis scenario since the original. A.k.a. jury duty. ...